*Can’t find my shoes*
Me: “Dad, where is mom?”
Dad: “Don’t know. Don’t want to know. She’ll make me eat that darn gooey healthy thing again.”
Me: “Not helping.”
Dad: “Are you going out? Carry your driver’s license so that the police can identify your body.”
The driving joke came from the person who is always in his extremes when he is driving. When I say extremes, I mean extremes.
My sister was getting late for school a few weeks ago, she had her board paper that day. She pointed that he should drive faster than he usually does. Result? He drove fast enough to send people screaming away from the roads. My sister thought that was her last day. She prayed. She literally prayed to God.
And at another point I had to get to the bus stop. Aah, the bus stops, crazy places. I realize I’m wandering off topic.
Yeah, so I had to get to the bus stop, but I got up early and we had a lot of time in hand. Hearing about my sister’s ‘crazy drive with Dad’ experience, I told him he could drive slowly because we’ll reach 10 minutes early anyway.
That experience? He was whistling on the journey, singing, adjusting all the car’s mirrors. Cyclists were over taking us and I reached 15 minutes late.
Now you get the idea when I say he is always in his extremes.
And like the secret handbook given to every Mom, there is a pamphlet distributed to Dads too. But I think every Dad adds his own dialogue in it.
“Don’t shake your head like there’s nothing in it.”
“What? Who said I’m gonna pay for your marriage? Elope! It’s much cheaper.”
“Why are you making my office decisions? Who died and made you the boss?”
“Ask your Mom”
“Look little girl, God gave you two ears and two eyes, so I think you should hear and see twice as much as you speak.”
“I’m not a millionaire. And when you become one, buy me a beach house, till then no increase in the pocket money.”
Oh, did I forget to mention he’s a liar? That’s where my talents come from. When I was a little kid he made me believe that plants grow in your stomach once you swallow seeds. Of course, that was for me to avoid swallowing hard seeds. But then one day I did, accidentally. And I shit you not, I cried the whole day, Mom tried telling me nothing’s gonna happen but I didn’t calm down until Dad came back from work and told he lied.
Now imagine what horror a kid has to face at the age of 5, when you tell her there are gonna be branches growing off your nose and ears. But because that would be me, I’m sure the fruits would taste good.
He has role played with me when I was a kid and I am proud to say that his acting skills are better than mine. He was a better grandmother pouring out tea than me with my whole cooking set. We would sit on Sundays and color my drawing books, the corner walls where Mom wouldn’t notice, and the space to draw went short, we’d color each other’s faces. He drew really well on my face, butterflies and sun and what not. All I drew was haphazard lines which made him look scarfaced. With permanent markers.
He is a huge meditation fan, seems it helped him a lot. But he tries putting it on us every chance he gets.
Me: “I’m really late today for college.”
Dad: “See? That’s why I tell you kids to meditate; get up early at around 5 and do some exercises, yoga.”
Me: “And that will help me reach my college faster how?”
Me: “I can’t get my work done. My classmates are supposed to help me in this group project and all they’re doing is cheering me.”
Dad: “Meditate beta, meditate. There’s too much anger in you. You need to remove it all out by meditating.”
Yet another example:
Dad: “Do you have cough? How did you let that happen? Go get some tonic.”
Me: “I ate some raw mangoes, maybe because of that.”
Dad: “You should try meditating, it’ll help you breathe better and also remove the cough you have.”
Me: “Thanks Dad. Next morning I will definetly try that.” *Shuts door and bangs head on it*
My Dad was very fond of clicking my pictures when I was a kid. I have dozens of albums only filled with my photos, but ironically he’s not very good at posing even remotely human for a photo. Every picture of him has a look that says he’s gonna kill the photographer right after the photo has been taken.
The pictures contain beautiful views behind, great monuments and an angry man staring into the depths of the soul of the photographer. Every picture.
Most of things I apply in everyday life, I have learned it from my Dad. His ways may not have been the best ways but he was successful in teaching them to me. Whether it was an important life lesson by scolding me till I peed my pants or to teach me to swim by throwing me in the pool like you toss away a shoe.
But all that aside, he is the funniest man you will find. He is a total teaser. He is the type of person that will remove coins out of a child beggar just to tease him and after he is done looking at the sad/irritated face of the poor kid, he will put back 50 bucks in his bowl.
He is the person they fear on their way to school because he will drive his car right behind you and make funny faces to random kids. The catch? Kids make weirder faces back at him and he laughs and drives past as if that was the moment of his day.
My Dad is more lenient than my Mom no doubt because he knows the pain when you have to suffer under my Mom’s rules and regulations. Apparently we did not read the terms and conditions and agreed nevertheless.
He will tell me to put my phone away when Mom’s back home with a fear in his voice so legit, because you know, my Mom is kind of strict. And she’ll blame him for not keeping an eye.
“Quick, keep your phone away. Mom’s here. Hurry, you’ll have me hanged today.”
And even if Mom is the one I share my things with, Dad is always there when Mom and me are having those “I will pretend you don’t exist to me” fights.
“This is between you and me…. Your Mom is crazy.”
“I know that Dad, I wrote a whole article about it.”
And when he is working, he is totally putting his whole concentration in it.
“Get out, don’t breathe in my room. Daddy’s working. Shoo”
He is so engrossed in working that he probably wouldn’t realize if someone robbed his room. Unless they took something he work related.
He has progressed so much in his career that he is the only role model I have. Despite his craziness he really made it into the world. From nothing to everything. Maybe his craziness had a lot to do with it. And every night he sleeps so peacefully, that old man, half bald, stout person, caring eyes, snoring away to eternal peace. Till the next morning 6 am.
He cares more than he shows. He understands more than we all can decipher. And the day he lost his Dad, he didn’t speak to anyone. Even my Mom was afraid she would say something upsetting to him. But when I got to know about Grandpa a month later after my 10th grade board exams, he hugged me on the way back home and cried. He cried his heart out.
That is the day I realized I would be shattered without my Dad.
This incident from when I was 4 has always been there in my mind for every big decision I make.
He massages my head softly. That is his way of singing a lullaby to me. I fall half asleep and he hugs and whispers “I want you to grow more than I did in my entire life. You are my strong daughter. You are my son.”
He may have thought I was asleep but 15 years later, and I still remember that night.
I am going to make my crazy Dad proud.
Some more classic Dad dialogues:
“Money doesn’t grow on trees.”
“I don’t have a problem, ask your Mom. Because she will.”
“They don’t make these things like they used to.”
“Can you come from your room which is another dimension and switch on the fan whose switch is just 2 feet away from me?”
“Are you drinking cold fridge water? Didn’t your Mom tell you not to? Pour some for me.”
“It’s World cup year already?”