“What do you remember about our first kiss?” He asked, biting into a chicken piece.
She gave a full description of the place, the scene, the moments in the kiss.
It was her turn to ask. “What do you remember about it?” She said, not attempting to hide the curiosity.
“Well, I’m not a log keeper. I don’t remember all that.” He paused to roll his eyes and swallow the meat, “I only remember one thing- how when we were only friends with benefits that time, you had your eyes closed as if it meant something to you.”
That moment she knew, he definitely loved her more than she loved him.
She stared at the man next to her, smiling at her with chicken pieces stuck into his teeth, not a care in the world. She shared her problems with him, her laughs and her frustration. One person she could go to for any damn thing-it was him.
They were crazy people, both of them. They fought with each other constantly and yet when they met each time, both of them had a stupid smile, more accurately, a blush on their faces, the kindergarten ‘holding hands’ kind of blush.
He kept all of her secrets from their friends. They had a little eye contact thing between them. The other person got it instantly. Sometimes he didn’t understand why she’d keep so many things to herself, even from him.
But she wasn’t raised to share her problems with anyone. She preferred keeping it to herself, sometimes he understood and sometimes he didn’t. But he never left her side, even when they were fighting.
“You smiled the whole way back home, didn’t you?” He knew how to tease her, oh, and he knew it too well.
“No, instead I was embarrassed and hung my head low because of your stunt. Who yells “I love you” in a square full of traffic?”
“Apparently I do.” He said still blushing.
The blushing had become a spreadable disease between them. She couldn’t control it, not with his stupid face staring at her with a crooked smile.
He nudged at her again, “Tell me, you did smile like an idiot didn’t you? The way you’re smiling right now?”
“Yes, I did. And guess what? I couldn’t stop it until I went to bed. You’re an evil person.”
“And you’re my little baka*” He squeezed her as tight as possible.
They had their high points and low points in the relationship. But they were strong together. There was nothing beating that.
Until one day when his guesses were confirmed by her silence when he confronted her. He doubted her actions for too long, she did suspicious things, lied constantly. He was now sure of a terrible truth about her, he wished he wasn’t. She had done everything to keep him away from it, but those eyes demanded truth, she just couldn’t deny it to them. Ironically, she’s an excellent on-the-spot liar. Not that day.
After that, they cried about it, fought about it, had lengthy discussions like adults and also quarreled like kids. He had to get her out of it. She had to make him stay away from the other side of her.
The issue, which was once not even noticeable, thanks to the excellent liar, was now so involved in the relationship that he had to ask her at least twice before she said something suspecting. That one thing had gotten into the way, eating them from inside. They tried showing it wouldn’t matter, but who were they kidding? The smiles became full of pity and vulnerability, more of a formality. The eye signals were now used to pass sorrowful looks.
That carefree smile of his was turning into mere forced stretching of the lip muscles. She couldn’t take it; she couldn’t punish him for something she had to suffer alone. She couldn’t drag him down to his low point with her.
“We need to talk” She sounded serious, and he knew what she was thinking.
“If you’re planning to do what I’m thinking you’re gonna do, then forget it. I am not breaking up with you.”
“You would’ve done the same thing for me if you were in my place”
“Stop telling me that time and again like that means something. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t try to do everything to stop us from getting separated if you would be in my place. I promised to stay with you no matter what; I’m not forgetting that because you don’t want to feel guilty.”
“Hey, you have no right to tell me if I should do something to make my guilt go away or not. I love you dammit, and I don’t want to see you like this. You’re becoming a sad person day by day; this wasn’t you a few months back. You deserve better, way better than a broken girlfriend.”
“So that’s your big solution? Tell me what good is there in it, because I for sure can’t see any. You think separating will calm your guilt and make me forget you and live happy? You know it won’t happen that way.” He was fighting hard through teary eyes, hugging her tight so he wouldn’t lose her.
“And who are you kidding? You can’t stay away from this.” He said pointing at his face.
She laughed shaking her head. That was true; it would be hard for her too. But she had to make him believe otherwise, she had to become serious and get down to business.
“Actually, about that, I don’t think we’ll make it till the end even if we stayed together. You’re the one weakness I don’t want right now. I’m doing it for myself too. And you’re not thinking clearly what you want.”
He had no other option than to bring out his big guns. That was the only way this stubborn bitch would listen.
“I know what I want, and she’s standing right in front me, fighting me and herself too, to try to make everything right. But I’ll break down completely if you’re not there with me. So if you think you’re doing me a favor, think again. This decision will only make it worse.”
He was right; this bastard is so sensitive he’ll probably do something stupid if he doesn’t get his way. But she had to make sure the staying together works.
She broke down, “Okay, I won’t leave you. I can’t. But if we’re staying together we have to forget the elephant in the room. We have to make it work, anyhow.”
She sniffed back a tear, “I propose a deal.”
He listened intently, shook his head at the end. “No way is that happening.”
“Look at me, hey, look here. You want this to work? I have my conditions too.”
He thought for a while.
“As you wish, bitch.” He nodded, he won her back, a hard deal but nothing was more worthy than being with her.
And in that sunset, they turned into a new chapter of their lives. Everything was back to normal. Normal crazy that is. They had more fun than ever. They planned what they’d do on weekends together, which lectures to bunk, which friend to catch to ask for a place to make out, whose chance was it to pay the bill. But they had a rule not to plan anything beyond 2-3 years.
But as all good things come to an end, this relationship did too.
Her truth had finally caught her, her disease, her weakness that wasn’t allowing them to be happy for a while. She passed away.
It wasn’t a shock for most people. Not for him too, but even then it was hard to take it. One day she’s cracking jokes about how she looks like an old woman and the next day she’s gone. Just like that. But she went in peace; she had him tied in her deal. She had thought of him after she’d be gone.
He mourned for a month, hardly ate. Everything was tasteless without her, every joke was lame without her silent, crazy faced laugh and all friends seemed worthless without her gossip about them.
But he hadn’t forgotten the deal; he was just cheating about it for a little time.
“I propose a deal” He remembered her voice and went back to that sunset.
“Whatever happens to me, I want you to move on from the next day itself. You’re the most sensitive guy I know, you cry at emotional scenes in animes, and I know you’re not going to get out of this, like ever. But I want you to know I’m gonna be stalking you, every second. So you’d better make me feel good about how happy you are or else I’m gonna send you one heck of an ugly wife… Move on, for me.” Her eyes were intent.
After he cheated the deal for a month, he did move on. The relationship might be over, but they were never apart. She was never out of his mind. She lived in his days, forever.
*baka-Japanese for idiot
Yes, I did tell him I’d stalk him every second. And once you’re a ghost you hardly have anything else to do. Ironically I never believed you had a life after death, but hey, I’m watching him do ball dance with his wife, they’re so bad it. But they’re so happy. Not bad for entertainment.
He did move on. He respected the deal of his dead girlfriend, proudly married a girl whom his parents chose, has two kids with her and he loves his family a lot. Crazy love, like always. I also caught him repeating some of my jokes to them. And I shit you not when I tell that the kids’ laughter is the most beautiful voices I’ve heard.
He’s a good father, the best rather. At breakfasts he makes a face out of the tissue by cutting holes in the eye and mouth region, imitating their favorite cartoons, making them laugh till their stomach hurts. He did that with me on our first unofficial date (friends with benefits lunch).
I’m glad he handled it so well, happy with his own life, and also remembers me in at least one part of his day.
And yes, he talks to me sometimes. Standing in his balcony, looking up at the stars asking me how I’m doing with Hitler (I looked up to Hitler). But what I don’t understand is why does everyone seem that dead people reside in the skies? It’s funny to see him talking to the clouds when I’m standing right next to him.
He asks me to guide him through his decisions, yeah like he’s gonna listen even if I send signs.
I remember he asked me to send signs as to which car to buy. I dropped so many signs, clear as anything; even his 3 year old daughter got it, but not him. Instead, what did he see? A brochure of another car stuck to his present car’s windshield.
“Thanks bitch, I’m gonna buy this one if that’s what you advice.” He said, looking up again.
“No you idiot, that sign wasn’t from me.” *facepalm*
We had our little moments, even after I left him forever.
I don’t know how it happened one day, he passed beside me and got a whiff of my scent and he stopped and said “You have this unique smell; I know you’re here somewhere.”
And from that day, I wait on a particular spot, waiting for him to pass by, waiting to get that little humanly connection. And every time he gets it, he shakes his head with a laugh saying “Stop stalking me bitch, I didn’t know you’d take it seriously.”
Years have passed by, and on his last day he finished his daily routine, taking medicines and checking his vitals. But he knew it was his last day. As he got ready to lie on his bed, to breathe his last, he said the perfect words.
“You know the first thing I’m gonna do after I come up there? Slap you for leaving me.” And with a broad smile, he went into an eternal sleep.
That is the first person I loved, the person I shared my first kiss with, the person who was with me even after I passed away.
He’s a total baka.
And don’t feel sad for us, we’re dancing to “All of me” up here. And it’s hilarious to see a robot dancing guy catch up to the steps of ballroom dance.